Saturday night I had a late meal of sushi and a chicken ceasar salad. I didn't sleep spectacularly, but we did get moving before noon to eat once again and head to Stackhouse park with Danika for a nice long walk.

After the house settled down for the evening I did squeeze in a quick nap, which was a good idea since I caught the end of the Steelers game and a couple ciders during a quick visit down the street. Tonight I'm guaranteed a good night's sleep... When was the last time I was ready to catch zz's at 10pm?

A busy and tiring Saturday indeed. I did sleep in a bit but got up to trim back the hedges in the driveway. From there off to join the clean-team. I was very pleasantly surprised how nice things were, it was mostly organizing instead of cleaning. Now that I'm clean perhaps I'll catch a quick nap while I am waiting for 72 to arrive.

One more hour until the weekend. I thought it would never come, this had to be the slowest moving week on record. One more week and the boys will be back in town. I can't wait to plop down in my seat and have the hockey stench waft through the cracks around the glass at me.

I did snag additional ceiling insulation so I can crank that out this weekend (hopefully) before 72 comes in for a visit. I will need to do a bit of cleaning in advance of said visit and come up with a few events with which to entertain. Perhaps I'll get in gear this evening after heading to City View for grub with the guy who most recently proposed to me and his parents (*laugh* I wish I could see faces when people read my blog sometimes. Settle down people it is a joke of sorts) and before heading to clean apartments tomorrow afternoon.

My mind is overly pensive and in a state of limbo the past few days. Maybe I'm just behind on sleep. Although I'd still argue it is rather from a lack of attention.

By the time I wiped out last night I didn't think I could possibly put one more morsel in my mouth. But... let me tell you what a fun evening I had! I was just going to chill at the house all night waiting for the fantasy hockey draft, but alas, the rest of the world had other plans for me.

After making a quick transport run for ... well damn, I guess I haven't given you a nickname yet - I'll work on that ... I got the call to grab sushi w/ Rex. I even got picked up and chauffeured around in the sex-mobile! BACK to the Corners for the second night in a row, but on Monday I had a burger. I figured I could grub fast and be back in time, no problem. Before I knew it Rex decided to fetch some computer equipment and set me up to function right from the bar. A couple of well-mixed drinks, some sushi, my own dessert, and several bites of Rex's dessert later - OOF.

I think I gave everyone a good laugh as I smack talked and hardcore-hockey-chic spouted during the draft. Go figure - last pick first round, but on a cool note it gave me two picks right in a row each pass. Needless to say I'm heavy on Canes (I am more aware of their play and skills). I managed to snag both Staal brothers and... as much as I loathe him, I buckled and drafted the cocksmoker^TM. Miller is back in my net again this year and I also pulled Kipper. We'll see how it goes. It should be more interesting doing head-to-head games than it was last year. First up for a whippin from my boys... Vuke. Bring it you baseball junkie!

Proof I wear heels too often: I drove my Tiburon with flats for the first time ever this evening... and it was a challenge.

Sorry "72" - you know I don't censor on here... and I need this forum to get things out and help resolve my thoughts and emotions - so consider this your warning to not read forward if you "don't wanna know".

I guess if we're using numbers another might best be served and represented by male option code name "87". You can tell where his affiliations lie... but I won't hold that against him. I do hold my paranoia tightly with this one and I'm not 100% sure why. Perhaps it is the potential for a more grave wound or for forced presence and ongoing need for communication beyond any relationship.

It's strange how many things "72" and "87" hold in common but are so very distinctly different. I guess that blows any theories about my "type" out of the water. I've already covered the very :different: things between myself and "72" and the personality differences as well as regional challenges that would make things a challenge, but yet I remain curious and know that the affection is genuine, it's comforting, it's something I want. Then I look at "87" and start making correlations - right down to damn near punting the glass across the living room. I also look at pasts that tie in to family and how accepted someone might be (uncles and their hunting camp or my sister and her husband's past affiliations). We're miles from that, but I can't help but think about those things - it makes sense to consider if there is an unavoidable brick wall in the certain future. There the affection seems genuine but I don't know how to take it.

I guess I go stereotypical female in general with any and all. No, I don't expect to talk every day but paranoia does give you a quick twinge when you don't get a message or a quick call. I guess it's all part of the dance. Why is it every human claims to loathe the "game" that goes along with dating, but the second you fail to play the game you lose? Go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Further, is it wrong to still harbor some desire that... how should I number this one to make it a little less obvious... "9" could be male option code name "9"? I waffle between thinking it is a possibility and then realizing not only is it highly unlikely for numerous reasons but my mind has already ruined that situation by building up expectations no human being could ever achieve. He's still good to look at.

Last night I finally snapped - I moved the couches to clear out the kitchen a bit, cleaned up in there, and actually cooked! Amusingly, the one burner didn't seem to want to turn on, but all is well. At least now I have a batch of left over stuffed shells to nibble from for a few days. I eventually crashed out and slept in this morning before heading down to Altoona for a short visit and a burst of shopping.

I guess this is where I note how happy I am that Johnstown is finally getting it's own Old Navy. I have wayyy too many clothes. It's time to do another pass and donate older items to Salvation Army.

Of course, while I'm sitting here typing this male option code name "72" is across the country in an arena watching an NHL game. Rat bastard. :P Don't you love being named like some kind of freaky experiment?? Clearly "72" knows that my number is not a sequential type thing, but to the rest of the world - seriously, if I had 72 options would I bitch so much about guys on this blog?

In the mean time I think I'll watch another episode of Farscape. Too bad these are loaner Starburst DVDs since the first couple are darn near impossible to obtain.

One ore more of those three deer SO damn near got it... and crushed my car. At least I know that the Tiburon can stop on a dime.

Enjoyed the Bourne Ultimatum last evening... it was interesting to see Julia Stiles in an adult character role. Some good fight sequences and crashes. I wish I had gotten to sit down and watch the second Bourne film straight through prior however. The theatre as a whole was empty as could be. Good conversation and company was also to be had, which made the (late) evening quite nice.

As an update on the living room all of the wall insulation is complete and I need to pull down all of the insulation in the ceiling. Long story short I was only going to replace what needed it but seriously... upping the R-value will pay for itself, so it should be done.

Dearest mother solicited the help of one of my uncles and brought me firewood this morning, so I guess I can easily put off a gas insert for one year... I just wonder if there is something temporary I can put down in front of the fireplace on top of carpet to protect against sparks flying. Mental note - I need to get on the ball w/ a thank you card... and I need to get my sister's birthday card ready! Eep. I can't believe it's the 20th of Sept.

A bit of my earlier funk lifted in a rather strange way (much like my ass in these pants). For once the redefinition is saying something new.

I fought for equality and lost. Somehow I already knew I had lost, but I had sincerely hoped that maybe reason was capable of making a bit of a change. I very recently had a related discussion w/ a friend about equality with relation to gender and I tell you equality exists in no way, shape, or form. Your gender, the way you look, who you are, all of it shapes how fairly you are treated. If some twat decides they don't like you or feel the need to squeal on you for something they don't like in an "anonymous" manner they get to - and because they're a royal bitch with no balls to discuss things with you face to face you lose.

This has been the story of my life since 7th grade, when our school rebelled to wear shorts (yes, one day long ago students weren't allowed to wear shorts). I joined in the rebellion on the last day of school and sat in in school suspension while the little cheerleaders continued to roam the halls in their way too short shorts. Equality?

In Archery House, when Delta Chi decided to sneak into our lobby and steal everything they could get their hands on (mind you they were seen walking into their side door w/ things in their hands and a trail of footprints in the snow)... did campus security handle it fairly when they said "mmm, no, we don't see anything there that is yours"?

Yet they wonder why the continuously outcast are so angry.

Well, half of the room is insulated. That's progress, right? At least there is finally a game plan (with much thanks to friends). At least mother dearest will need to find something else to gripe about once the insulation is off of her mind. I would have rather slept the weekend away, but I am glad I got my ass in gear - I should sleep well tonight.

Now to find time to get the first assignment graded and first exam prepared for my class!

Like zombies ... rising from the dead, they lurch up from their graves where I have neatly buried them, one after another. No feeling, just malice without conscious volition.

I forgot to mention earlier that when Ms. D came in from outside this morning she immediately lept into my bed curling into a ball before she even hit the top. Did she think she could get away w/ that one with a "but mum, my foot hurts". Actually she was probably cold as hell w/ all the more fur she has. It's cold in Jtown already!

I think I will be nominated for worst mum of the year. So last night as I went for food Ms. D was downstairs and managed to knock over some of the wine bottles sending them smashing to the ground. She only has a small cut on one paw which cleaned up easily but I didn't like seeing the glass every which way and a smear of blood on the floor! Poor girl. At least it appears Vixen decided to stay away and clear.

I am also realizing how much the Leonard-Judy reflection balance of respect carries over to relationships with males in general. It is rather unfortunate that continuing in a manner which led to success in that scenario is impossible to foster anything long term.

I returned the defeated crate after work today and got a bit creative this evening with the old ass-kicked plastic crate. I won! Unfortunately, my victory felt quite short lived when I noticed some blood in the crate... so now I feel like a horrible mom. Don't worry all, she's okay, it is just a little boo-boo, but now I debate: will she start to respect that boundary or will she keep railing against it and hurt herself again and potentially worse?

Don't worry, I'll get my deserved punishment one way or the other - it might be the headache I feel brewing (perhaps I'll pop a migraine pill before bed) or a displeased stomach thanks to the feisty wings from the Haven.

The attempt at defining one thing and redefining another continues. Either way, the shoes are hella cute.

Look out Houdini. Danika's first day with her new crate (friday) and she once again greeted me at the top of the stairs when I came home. The mind boggling part is, I have no clue how she got out unless it was from the bottom of the pen somehow. My poor basement door is getting its butt whipped.

I would have reported on this yesterday but my ISP had some outtages, so I was down last evening. Worked out well as I had to give a lesson or two on cabinet cleaning. Vote people - do you, or do you not, wash things down before you move into a new place. C'mon man!

Today, once again the bad routine - shopping - but I did get a couple Christmas presents once again. I realized how hungry I was midway through the afternoon and gave Capri another go. The meatball sub was pretty darn good as were their buckeyes. Dang it's warm out there today. Thank God for that central AC. All that tells me is that the bubble is about to burst and I'll be scraping a windshield in no time.

Best burger I have had in a long looong time - thank you 4 Corners, I needed that. The strawberry kahlua... whatever Genis calls it was delightful too.

Ever suddenly have to make a decision that isn't just about you but you know how much it impacts? Is it worth the risk, the challenge, the frustration? The most important thing in the world after being the hurt one oh so often is to avoid being the hurt-ee.

I left pretty fired up yesterday. I'm trying to take the appropriate actions but it lights me up to know I can't win, won't win. Equality doesn't exist. When you try to follow rules you get burned by them, but if you just blatantly ignore them you can do as you wish. Once again I have been singled out and scorned for something done with no mal intent, something many others have done and continue to do in numerous forms. You'd think being around the ex somehow rubbed off on me and I'm the target for every cop (wanna-be).

To top it off we DID have the police called on us later last night... no no, don't get all shocked, it was an honest deal. But to whomever called the cops - What burglars wear bright white shirts, carry a blinding portable sun, and climb ladders with scrappers and paint on the side of the house closest to the most visible street? Seriously. I didn't get the beer I so lusted for last night, but I did get a cherry coke, so I got that going for me.

Danika will be quite displeased to learn that her new training crate should be there today. If she bends the snot out of this one I'm just going to give up. The only other option is duct-taping the dog to one spot.

Oh, and another thing... I am now not only tired of being redefined, I'm also tired of being a victim of bad timing when passing in different directions.

"Have you ever been hated or discrimiated against? I have. -Eminem"

Paralyzed with indecision and fear. That sums me up in more ways than one. I mean it today with regard to the living room, which I made three distinct attempts to go get something moving and wandered back out of the room with some pitiful excuse thus delaying the inevitable. It is this same indecision and fear that has me waffling back and forth between my desire to get the hell out of dodge and go back south and to just accept that this is where I am and that NC wouldn't be any better, in fact, worse - because of the cost of living and the constant fear of seeing the wrong people.

It is really sad how a majority of my being and feelings are wrapped around a significant other, or lack there of. I could be happy in Johnstown, if I thought for a second I have a shot of finding anyone here. All I get contacted by around here are 40-somethings, which frankly, disgusts me. Yet they try to sell themselves to me like they can somehow talk me into going out with them. Are most women that easily manipulated or just that stupid?

At least I am nice enough when shot down to leave the person the hell alone, or at least try to. The killer is when they decide you're not good enough for them but they still want to be your buddy, again, something I just can't handle. If I am not good enough why would you want to be around me or associate with me? All it does is remind me of my inadequacies.

Worse still are the ones that you can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes when they learn what I do. I've said it a million times - I've worked hard to make myself marketable, to give myself worth... and it turns out all I did was put myself in a spot where the guys I want to attract are repulsed and repelled by me. I intimidate them or make them uncomfortable because they wouldn't be the bread winner. I make them feel stupid because I won't blindly roll over and agree with their every thought and actually stimulate them intellectually.

To those of your rolling your eyes or saying how untrue that is you're full of sh*t. If I were a waitress making $3/hr plus tips I bet I'd have more and better opportunities to date. Naturally the next immediate reaction is for friends to point out that I wouldn't be where I am today... exactly! They think me crazy, but if I could rewind I'd gladly hop back to high school, and, yes, I would still wish to see just one day through the eyes of one of the popular girls.

Woohoo a few more holiday gifts gathered from the mall. You can tell I am desperate for something to do when I actually go to the mall for other than a weekday lunch. This afternoon, despite less than fabulous reviews from an aquaintance or two I decided to take in Rob Zombie's latest venture in Halloween. Much like Kevin Smith revamps the same actors from one film to another Zombie made space for Otis, Captain Spalding, his wife Sheri, and others. It was enjoyable enough, but perhaps I just have a bit too much of a propensity for 80s-ish horror flicks. There is just something about them that has me cheering on the inside for the bad guy and something that puts a small grin on my face with each stab or slash. One thing I can do without is jumpy bitches sitting behind me - perhaps I envy them, I would give anything to find a movie that can make me jump with fear and surprise.

While on the movie topic, do you know how creepy it is to see someone you know from elementary-high school listed on IMDB? I was googling for something completely unrelated but with regard to Altoona and spotted this. It seems wrong to say Joe, so congrats Joey - and to be working with Mosey too. It's a bit surreal to think someone I knew as a child is working on shows like The Office.

I did get through the first 100 pages of the first AB book, so I am hopefully caught back up with Beff. Now if I could just get my ass in gear in the living room my long holiday weekend will be nicely diversified.