Paralyzed with indecision and fear. That sums me up in more ways than one. I mean it today with regard to the living room, which I made three distinct attempts to go get something moving and wandered back out of the room with some pitiful excuse thus delaying the inevitable. It is this same indecision and fear that has me waffling back and forth between my desire to get the hell out of dodge and go back south and to just accept that this is where I am and that NC wouldn't be any better, in fact, worse - because of the cost of living and the constant fear of seeing the wrong people.

It is really sad how a majority of my being and feelings are wrapped around a significant other, or lack there of. I could be happy in Johnstown, if I thought for a second I have a shot of finding anyone here. All I get contacted by around here are 40-somethings, which frankly, disgusts me. Yet they try to sell themselves to me like they can somehow talk me into going out with them. Are most women that easily manipulated or just that stupid?

At least I am nice enough when shot down to leave the person the hell alone, or at least try to. The killer is when they decide you're not good enough for them but they still want to be your buddy, again, something I just can't handle. If I am not good enough why would you want to be around me or associate with me? All it does is remind me of my inadequacies.

Worse still are the ones that you can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes when they learn what I do. I've said it a million times - I've worked hard to make myself marketable, to give myself worth... and it turns out all I did was put myself in a spot where the guys I want to attract are repulsed and repelled by me. I intimidate them or make them uncomfortable because they wouldn't be the bread winner. I make them feel stupid because I won't blindly roll over and agree with their every thought and actually stimulate them intellectually.

To those of your rolling your eyes or saying how untrue that is you're full of sh*t. If I were a waitress making $3/hr plus tips I bet I'd have more and better opportunities to date. Naturally the next immediate reaction is for friends to point out that I wouldn't be where I am today... exactly! They think me crazy, but if I could rewind I'd gladly hop back to high school, and, yes, I would still wish to see just one day through the eyes of one of the popular girls.