Monday, February 04, 2019

I feel like a little kid again... after a loooong time, I have cavities that need filled.  Not one, but two.  *ugh*  I haven't had to have anything like that done since I was in NC, so like more than 15 years ago, and even then I think it was only replacing older fillings.  I've been drinking the local water which is fluoridated, so why do I still have cavities HMM?  Yeah, poison, I know, but I got sick of lugging bottles of water.  I still do it for Avery, but I'm drinking their poison.

Tomorrow I return to the eye doctor for a follow up to my appointment 6 months ago where they saw a mole/freckle on the back of my eye that they want to make sure isn't growing or changing.  I was so busy dreading that appointment and I didn't give the dentist visit the proper amount of worry.

Thursday, January 31, 2019

Polar vortex.  This means my car says it's -4 out and I can really tell how poorly insulated things are here.  The hinge on the front door had ice forming on it... on the inside of the house.  I've always felt a cascade of cold air falling from the window over the kitchen sink, but dang it's cold right now.

I'm once again super grateful for my garage. Of course, without it being allowed to have a heat vent it is down in the 30s in there too.  But that's definitely better to expose myself and Avery to as we come and go.

The comments I made in my last post - well things have begun to escalate on their own.  The next week or so should be interesting to see how things pan out.  This again leaves me somewhat sad for the whole situation.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

I'm over here pouting that another weekend has ended so quickly.  Friday was a bit rough, it involved carefully mulling over and then choosing my words in an email.  When one of the folks above me said "do you have a minute to talk" I thought I was in trouble.  Instead I was told how well worded that reply was and how grateful they were.  whew.  The stress is still there at work as we close out that one effort.  I just want it totally done, but I know that some of the conflict will likely go on beyond this effort.  I'm trying to do my best to not escalate things.

The winter storm that came through didn't end up producing much around here.  It gave me plenty of time to do our shopping yesterday and get home before the rain really set in.  It rained pretty hard up through the middle of the night, so I was pretty concerned when I woke up and decided after a few peeks out the window that we were not heading to Starbucks and off to church.  Eventually they cancelled church.  (How crazy is that.  You're not a Catholic anymore when that happens, that's for sure.)  A while later the plows were in the neighborhood, so we decided to venture to Starbucks after all.

After coming home Beff and J visited with us since they were up in the burgh for an event, so we had a nice visit for the afternoon.  This did put off Avery's nap, but she went down easily after they left.

It was a nice weekend, to hell w/ the weather, but it sure was too short.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Today was weird... random out of nowhere call from someone I haven't spoken to in quite some time.  Who decides to call because they were looking for someone w/ the same first name in their phone, didn't have them, so they call you?  Ok, whatever.  It was nice to hear from you.  Also flattering to know you have at least spotted things on my facebook and know what's up with me.  It's always nice to know when people you aren't tight with keep tabs.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Settle down 2019.  It's only two weeks in and you're causing all kinds of drama.

Last weekend we attended a viewing for one of my few local friends' father. This past week was hair on fire getting ready for a client demo this morning that was deferred due to weather at the 11th hour.  I was off and on the computer all weekend looking for the completion of materials that never came.  I'm frustrated to say the least with that.

But that wasn't the big ordeal this weekend.  On Saturday we learned our daycare's plans to be sold to a new owner were falling through and it was closed - immediately.  Well hell.  Fortunately, both of us have pretty understanding work situations.  My Favorite Egg was able to get work in yesterday to cover such that he could be here today with Avery and I could work as planned, since I was supposed to have the aforementioned demo.

We took some time midmorning to go checkout another daycare that gave me comfort, so we're signed up starting next Monday.  We had already worked out care for the remainder of this week with the aforementioned friend who lives very near me and their nanny.  There will still be some internal drama for me as I know these new experiences could freak Avery out, but I'm going to try and chill as to not allow her to feel my anxiety.  If I could stay chill for her while prego I can do it now.

As to good drama, my one other friend here in the area just became a Grandpap today, on my Mum's birthday!  Avery is his "PGB" (Practice GrandBaby). Fortunately the newbie is a boy, so she can still be his one and only Practice GrandDaughter.

Monday, December 31, 2018

How quickly time is passing.  I cannot believe this is my second year end summary where I get to tell you how amazed and blessed I am by Avery.

Some high points for 2018:
- Avery.  STILL!  The milestones are amazing.  Her personality shines more and more every day and she's definitely learning new things every day.  I feel like there is something remarkable happening a couple of times a week.  She is a sweet and pleasant girl.  I'm not going to lie, having a wee one isn't _easy_ and it is tiring, but compared to what I expected - she is a walk in the park.
- Our first cruise with Avery went quite well.  That was back in April before she could crawl or walk, so I am sure the next cruise will be a very different adventure, but at least one without the need of scrubbing bottles in a bin every night.  Fortunately that is coming soon!
- Remaining gainfully employed from home with my long time company.  There has been some stressful points this year, but some evolution in my role too.
- Avery's first airplane ride to Texas to visit with Aunt Jackie, Uncle Bob, and Cousin Matt/Amanda.  We didn't get to see Cousin Danielle, but it was because she's busy working at her first "real" job!  That's a highlight too, I'm quite proud of her.
- Going to visit Avery's Aunt Bethany and meeting her horses for the weekend.
- Aunt Jackie also was sure to come here to visit, in specific for Avery's baptism and her first birthday, both of which were definitely memorable.
- I got a night out to go see Matt and Kim live!
- Getting away w/ Avery to the church retreat at Jumonville.
- I've been adulting for so long that I needed to replace furniture.  As such this year I have purchased comfy new couches that recline and a new adjustable king sized bed.
- Going and doing things I want to do but never would have if it weren't for Avery.  For example:  the aviary and Phipps conservatory.
- Taking the leap and starting to have someone coming to help clean.

Things I wanted to achieve in 2018:
- I didn't get everything done here at the house that I wanted.  The electrical I wanted done is complete, so now there is a ceiling fan on that deck roof, a few more plugs, and a switch instead of pull strings in the basement.  There are cabinets in the laundry room too!  I did not however get in gear on the half bath, but I have many of the supplies.  I am just dragging my feet to avoid the big cost and tough decision on which vanity and counter top to go with or if I should move the one fro the half bath upstairs and replace it with something bigger.  I continue to wish for block windows or a source of light in the garage, but I've taken no action there either.
- Making friends... I've made acquaintances, some are quite good acquaintances, but that isn't enough.  Avery and I made a few acquaintances at Starbucks in the mornings.  My biggest source of adult interaction is at Starbucks and for a few moments when I drop off or pick up Avery from daycare.
- I haven't gotten weight off like I had wanted.  It's hard.  After Avery is in bed I am ready to relax and wipe out myself, not to work out.
- I've tamed a bit with my foul mouth, but I have a ways to go.  I am sure I will be extra mindful once I hear sh*t come out of her mouth for the first time.

The tough parts of 2018:
- Feeling lonely.  Just like last year, I'd really like to find/make closer friends in the area.  I'm blessed that is the only thing I can think of to call a tough part.
- I've had a few bouts of concern for my own future.  Combine that with the irrational fears that Moms, or at least this Mom gets and there you have the new stresses I've been fighting away.

General comments:
The dogs:  Saffy and Dani remain well despite their aging.  We did have a heck of a scare w/ Dani a few months back where she nearly choked herself to death trying to get out of her crate.  More recently Dani has started having the issue where she doesn't get up from napping when she should, instead she gets up and urgently needs to go.  This has resulted in quite a few poop pickups.  It basically is 'falling out' of her before she can even tell me she needs to go.  I'm hoping we're not on a downhill with this.  I need to start to be more proactive about forcing her outside even more often I guess.  Fortunately, since I work from home I know it could be a lot worse.

I continue to be very excited by the difference in weather here over Jtown.  We had the slightest dusting of snow so far this fall/winter.  I know Johnstown got at least one good snow fall already.  If you look it up, based on averages we get 1/3 the amount of snow here.  That speaks volumes.

My desires for 2019:
- Keep seeking out friendships here locally.
- Do a little more bible reading and/or study.
- Once again I'll say I want to take some weight off, we'll see how that goes.
- I'd like to take a day off and go do something with Avery at least 8 of the 12 months.  My targets include a few things that require nicer weather, like the Zoo and Idlewild.
- I want to get the bathroom situation off of the list, for sure.
- I want to declutter a little more - it's time to go through the closets.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

I tried to nap with Avery today, but I didn't sleep any better than I did last night.  Instead I got up and took down the tree. Other than the wreathes on the windows, every visible vestige of Christmas is gone.  Christmas itself, as I've said before always lingers with other things, including sadness and heartache.  This Christmas definitely re-opens a few wounds.  It has me disliking myself once again.  I don't know what 2019 will bring.

Friday, December 28, 2018

I didn't think I was buying myself something big for a Christmas gift this year, but I guess I am after all.  A friend's daughter is working for Cutco knives.  I clicked around on the website before listening to the sales pitch (no purchase required) and became interested.  I've wanted a few more table/steak knives as to avoid always having the ones in my block dirty, so I made the leap.  Long story short if you know of anyone who already loves these and would be willing to listen to the pitch let me know.  If you don't know about these knives I'll report back later with my assessment of them.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Another Christmas is over.  I'm so glad I took both the day before and day after off. We used to get Christmas eve as a benefit, but that was taken away this year (sad face). We had a good bit of running to do, and I'm wiped out.  I had a nice headache to show for all of it yesterday.  Gladly, the weather was great or it could have been even more taxing.

Avery already had too much before Christmas, but for sure now I need to figure out what to do with some of the bigger items to keep the living room from looking like a tornado came through.  Again, I shouldn't complain, I'm glad everyone loves her so much.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Today I am also stressing about all of the running we'll need to do for Christmas.  I haven't even started to give thought to what I'm going to take to the different celebrations we're expected at.  We ordered a few more gifts, so I will have those to wrap very soon as well.

I just can't sustain this each year and frankly I'm expected it to get harder as Avery gets older.

Friday, December 14, 2018

I thought a majority of the stress was passed, but here I am catching myself craning my neck forward and to the side more often than I'd like to admit.  The heating pad has come out the past two nights to try and loosen those muscles.  Now I can feel the headache trying to take shape.

It's the walking on eggshells that does it.  I'm pretty tired of it at this point.  There's also a safety blanket through all of this that may choose to excuse itself from things for a period of time.  I can't worry about that scenario right now, but I am unable to not worry about the causes as to why this safety blanket has to make some decisions to step away.  I know I'm being cryptic, but I hope you understand.  I am already feeling like an island on other aspects of my life.  Pile that on and it's just a lot.

Still hunting for a few more gift idea.  I am so out of time.  I need an epiphany.

Sunday, December 09, 2018

The first clean took place last week.  There are definitely things I feel were "missed" but a lot was accomplished.  Prior to her arrival it did push me to do some stuff around the house and to buy some bins to encourage me to get on top of sorting the baby clothes I previously mentioned.  It would be nice if I could get to the point where I could reliably take a lunch, even a half hour, each day - or even 2 or 3 days a week - to do something else while I need not tend to Avery.

I had been waiting for a replacement part for my vacuum (yes that one that I bought myself last year for Christmas).  I don't know how it happened, but the piece that holds the bag in place is gone.  I would have surely noticed it to pull it out and throw it away, no?  I have no clue what happened there.  Long story short I opened it to deal w/ the bag, assuming it was probably full, and found the whole cavity full of dirt and dog fur with the bag sagging down.  Go figure.  Finally this piece arrived this weekend and I think I got it in place properly.

I'm still struggling to find the last few gifts we need. I wish the $5 gift for everyone thing would change to a pick one name and buy a bigger gift only for them.  That would save a good bit of cash and a ton of time and thought.

I guess the need to hunt for gifts is a good distraction.  The holidays always fight with my emotions.  I'd give the world for more adult interaction right now.  I desperately need friends here.  I really miss having a holiday party for work to go to as well, not that I could really go to one even if it was still happening.  I just need something right now and I don't know what it is.

The big effort I was heading up went into test this past week.  I'm praying I am not trading that stress for another scoop on something else.  It would be nice to not feel tense all of the time.

Side note:  The people who make Rescue Remedy (a liquid that we recommended for dogs with separation anxiety) also make a little lozenge for stress relief.  I ordered myself a small tin from Amazon.  I'm willing to give it a try.

Friday, November 30, 2018

I'm finally getting the help I need.  No, not mentally.  I had someone come today to give me an estimate for cleaning.  I never feel like I can keep up.  I think this will help me feel like a weight is lifted, it will alleviate some anxiety, and it will keep us healthier.  I'm going to give it a go.  I'm basically re-routing the money I've been throwing towards payments on the new bed (which is finishing up this month before the interest would have kicked in) towards this activity.

I'm also hoping that having it cleaner will inspire me to keep other things in order.  For example - I'm hoping I'll be less likely to start a pile on the kitchen table or on my dresser because I know someone will be coming to clean so I need to keep that out of the way.  I'm also hoping that not needing to take the time to do the things she will be tending to will then free me up to get on some other things that need done, like cleaning up in the junk room.  There I need to get the clothes Avery has grown out of organized.  I also need to take a good pass on my closet and clear out things for donation.  I have one bag started.  With the end of the year quickly approaching it's time, even if I am likely to not be able to list out my donations on this year's taxes.

Speaking of which the early estimations look good.  If I do get that much back (keep in mind last year I should have gotten a chunk but it was tempered greatly by the house in Jtown) I'll probably adjust things so less is withheld.  It makes me so nervous though after the mess we had the last year I was in NC due to an error on the part of the HR staff at my ex's employer.  Admittedly it's nice to get the chunk to put towards things, but it is illogical to allow them to get a zero percent interest loan.  I'd rather have it earning for me.