Friday, December 14, 2018

I thought a majority of the stress was passed, but here I am catching myself craning my neck forward and to the side more often than I'd like to admit.  The heating pad has come out the past two nights to try and loosen those muscles.  Now I can feel the headache trying to take shape.

It's the walking on eggshells that does it.  I'm pretty tired of it at this point.  There's also a safety blanket through all of this that may choose to excuse itself from things for a period of time.  I can't worry about that scenario right now, but I am unable to not worry about the causes as to why this safety blanket has to make some decisions to step away.  I know I'm being cryptic, but I hope you understand.  I am already feeling like an island on other aspects of my life.  Pile that on and it's just a lot.

Still hunting for a few more gift idea.  I am so out of time.  I need an epiphany.

Sunday, December 09, 2018

The first clean took place last week.  There are definitely things I feel were "missed" but a lot was accomplished.  Prior to her arrival it did push me to do some stuff around the house and to buy some bins to encourage me to get on top of sorting the baby clothes I previously mentioned.  It would be nice if I could get to the point where I could reliably take a lunch, even a half hour, each day - or even 2 or 3 days a week - to do something else while I need not tend to Avery.

I had been waiting for a replacement part for my vacuum (yes that one that I bought myself last year for Christmas).  I don't know how it happened, but the piece that holds the bag in place is gone.  I would have surely noticed it to pull it out and throw it away, no?  I have no clue what happened there.  Long story short I opened it to deal w/ the bag, assuming it was probably full, and found the whole cavity full of dirt and dog fur with the bag sagging down.  Go figure.  Finally this piece arrived this weekend and I think I got it in place properly.

I'm still struggling to find the last few gifts we need. I wish the $5 gift for everyone thing would change to a pick one name and buy a bigger gift only for them.  That would save a good bit of cash and a ton of time and thought.

I guess the need to hunt for gifts is a good distraction.  The holidays always fight with my emotions.  I'd give the world for more adult interaction right now.  I desperately need friends here.  I really miss having a holiday party for work to go to as well, not that I could really go to one even if it was still happening.  I just need something right now and I don't know what it is.

The big effort I was heading up went into test this past week.  I'm praying I am not trading that stress for another scoop on something else.  It would be nice to not feel tense all of the time.

Side note:  The people who make Rescue Remedy (a liquid that we recommended for dogs with separation anxiety) also make a little lozenge for stress relief.  I ordered myself a small tin from Amazon.  I'm willing to give it a try.

Friday, November 30, 2018

I'm finally getting the help I need.  No, not mentally.  I had someone come today to give me an estimate for cleaning.  I never feel like I can keep up.  I think this will help me feel like a weight is lifted, it will alleviate some anxiety, and it will keep us healthier.  I'm going to give it a go.  I'm basically re-routing the money I've been throwing towards payments on the new bed (which is finishing up this month before the interest would have kicked in) towards this activity.

I'm also hoping that having it cleaner will inspire me to keep other things in order.  For example - I'm hoping I'll be less likely to start a pile on the kitchen table or on my dresser because I know someone will be coming to clean so I need to keep that out of the way.  I'm also hoping that not needing to take the time to do the things she will be tending to will then free me up to get on some other things that need done, like cleaning up in the junk room.  There I need to get the clothes Avery has grown out of organized.  I also need to take a good pass on my closet and clear out things for donation.  I have one bag started.  With the end of the year quickly approaching it's time, even if I am likely to not be able to list out my donations on this year's taxes.

Speaking of which the early estimations look good.  If I do get that much back (keep in mind last year I should have gotten a chunk but it was tempered greatly by the house in Jtown) I'll probably adjust things so less is withheld.  It makes me so nervous though after the mess we had the last year I was in NC due to an error on the part of the HR staff at my ex's employer.  Admittedly it's nice to get the chunk to put towards things, but it is illogical to allow them to get a zero percent interest loan.  I'd rather have it earning for me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Last night I returned to the chiropractor.  My lower back feels a bit better.  I always feel like I'm hunching my head forward.  I really need to stop tensing my neck up like that.  I've been trying to keep myself upright.  I've also been fighting to stop myself from swinging my foot under my leg when I sit at my work desk.  I've got to change and get past the constant low-grade ache.

I took a break today and used the time to ready the area for the Christmas tree and to carry the ornaments and wreaths.  After work I got the wreaths up outside.  It definitely looks nicer with the extras I bought after Christmas last year.  It's kind of crazy that the old house only accommodated 2 and this house really needs the 6 to look complete.

The other night I managed to get the stockings and the ceramic tree out.  As part of that process I put away some decorations that were put off to the side to keep them away from the baby, but other than that all they were doing was collecting dust.  Oh - and I finished the writing portion on the Christmas cards and ordered prints of Avery to stuff in some of them.  I guess I'm not as behind schedule as I could be for Christmas related stuff.  Still plenty of shopping to do and then all of the wrapping (ugh).

Saturday, November 17, 2018

I took the melatonin for a few nights and then stopped.  I'm still waking way too early.  I really could use more sleep.  My bed is at least not hurting my back, so three cheers for the adjustable bed.  You'd think if I'm not hurting I wouldn't wake.

To be clear, I'm not hurting over night... but by day, my back aches.  The day after my Monday chiro appointment, while I was sitting on the floor with Avery I had shooting/sharp pain right at the top of my butt crack.  I do have another appointment this Monday, we'll see what he has to say about it.  His adjustments are different than my normal chiro (his wife - who is off with their newborn).

Christmas shopping has begun in earnest.  Time is so short.  I also have been working as time permits on Christmas cards.  I can't help but remember sitting here (TMI warning) writing out cards last year while I pumped after Avery was in bed.  I'm not pumping anymore, but this is once again my post-bed strategy.  Tomorrow we visit with Santa.  THIS I did learn from last year and scheduled before Thanksgiving to avoid the crazy crowds at the mall, although I do fear it will still be rather busy tomorrow.  After this I can figure out what the best photo is and get some prints to put in some of the cards.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

My Sunday evenings continue to make me sad because my weekend is over and it's back to the grind again.  Sure, some people put in crazy hours ever week... and that isn't normal for me, so I shouldn't complain, but too bad.  It's hard to work a chunk over my 40 and be Mom.  Hell, just getting my 40 sometimes means I don't pause to eat anything more than a piece of fruit or something I can grab quickly during the day.  Needing to get back on the computer after she goes to bed wipes me out completely and takes my brain to places that makes it too hard to sleep.

I've started taking melatonin before my shower to try and get better sleep.  While that seems to have helped me fall asleep faster, I'm still waking after 5am and then making attempts to fall back asleep.  I think it has also helped stopped me from circling thoughts about work when I do wake.  Either way, I'm not getting enough sleep and here I am at 9pm not able to stay awake to even try and watch the rest of The Walking Dead.

On one hand I want to say "I need help" on the other hand, I don't want to give up the things I do for Avery.  Can someone else do my work?  Maybe taking care of the other things around here?  How about just pointing out that winning lottery ticket for me?

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

Avery made the time adjustment already, why haven't I?  Unfortunately, now instead of waking up at 6am instead of 7am I am getting up at 5am and unable to fall entirely back to sleep.  I stay in a semi-awake state with thoughts of work floating through my head.  I've had moments of lightening with work, but I'm still stressing.  We're down to a month for our release.

Who could use an evening drink?  This girl.  Except I've been getting back online for work after Avery goes to bed more often than not, which means a drink isn't an option.

Saturday, November 03, 2018

Friday was the first day of work where I felt like I could breathe in a while.  I felt productive and like I had a path in my head I was prepared to follow.  I am sure I'll be reporting more stress and dismay in the next month, but this glimmer of hope was quite the relief.

Today Avery and I did more than our share of running.  I'll say more than my share of spending too... damn you Sam's Club.  But at least I left there with a few Christmas gifts purchased.  I had a bit of a panic the other day regarding the need to get that shopping underway.  Admittedly I bought 5 of one item... one for me and then one for my sister, niece, would-be MIL, and would-be SIL.  My creativity isn't high, but I genuinely liked the item and think they find them pleasant too, we'll see.

I've been stressing out a bit regarding the clutter around here too.  I have a pile of clothing I intend to donate on the dresser in my closet and another pile of books on a shelf.  I need a few extra hours in a day to comb through things to round out the piles and get it all inventoried.  I think my anxiety over the stuff was amplified because I had to comb through containers in the basement this week looking for something that I managed to hide from myself.  At least while I did that I tidied a bit down there, but I really should get rid of some stuff.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Halloween decoration update:
Zero's string broke.  He was laying on the stairs yesterday.  All three ghosts have been pulled and put in the garage awaiting modifications to sturdiness against the wind, the spooky hanging thing on the light out front is down after his attachment broke, two of the three tombstones are also in the garage as they keep coming lose from the ground and falling over, one of the two metal signs keeps leaning over and needing reset.  *shakes head*  C'mon.

I just want my own little slice of Halloween, is that too much to ask?  And maybe, not in my dreams?  Last night I had an apocalypse themed dream.  It was Monday, it isn't like I finished watching Walking Dead on Sunday or American Horror Story on Wednesday, nope, instead it was after an evening where I should have watched the Good Eats reboot but instead worked for an extra hour.  Coincidence?  It does feel quite catastrophic I'll admit, but I don't think work is inspiring apocalyptic thoughts.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

This afternoon, at long last, October actually arrived. The temps have dropped and my after walk work actually felt like it was autumn. Of course, the leaves aren't really changing - at least not getting the vibrant shades, but some leaves are falling off.  I thought the change in sunrise/sunset triggered the change in leaves, not the temps, what gives?  Regardless, I fear we won't even see the beautiful colors this year - just a sudden drop of leaves after a sudden cold snap.

I was aiming to get another mow in this morning, but when I woke it was raining.  I'm hoping tomorrow is the day.  I guess the good news is, if it stays cool, the grass will definitely slow down.  The cooler temps have me wishing, once again, that I had a couple of windows down in the basement and garage so I could allow some cooler air in there.

The ghosts have gone out front, come back down, and went back out.  I need to buy some actual duct tape to secure things better.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

I got a few things back on the rails so far this week... for example, the lawn got mowed between Avery's nap on Sunday after we returned and while my Favorite Egg watched her on Monday night.  I'm also proud to say I got the sheets and blanket washed.  I finally ordered a king sized vellux blanket and a king sized bedspread, just in time for the cooler weather that is surely on the way.

My attempts at crafting are coming together on the ghosts.  With some help from my Favorite Egg we figured out how to pull them together.  I suspect they'll need some revamping since there is a rubber band involved (likely to break), but they're good to get out front at this point.

Tonight was little gym followed by a stop at the grocery store.  Getting used to buying milk is quite the challenge.  Yep, I forgot to get milk.  *sigh*

Sunday, September 30, 2018

This weekend Avery and I hit the road again, this time to Jumonville for a retreat with our church.  It's always an adventure sleeping elsewhere, one that requires taking way too much stuff.  It was a nice escape, but I'm whooped.  I wasn't sleeping well before I left, probably because of work, but this weekend I was tossing and turning a lot because my back was aching on their beds.  Avery was up later than normal both evenings, but did sleep well, so that's a blessing - I'm sure the other women in our bunk room were quite grateful.

The things I should have been doing this weekend, like mowing the lawn will just have to wait.

Danika's leg is looking better.  After a few days with ointment and the wrap forcing her to leave it be it was looking good enough to allow it some air.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Things seem to be going pretty well with the dogs, except Danika has developed a sore that she's been licking open on her leg. I had to resort to taping it up.  Fortunately I had a wrap here made for dogs that has some bitter flavor to it. Today I wrapped it again with more antibiotic cream.  I am hoping that it heals up quickly.