I'm finally getting the help I need.  No, not mentally.  I had someone come today to give me an estimate for cleaning.  I never feel like I can keep up.  I think this will help me feel like a weight is lifted, it will alleviate some anxiety, and it will keep us healthier.  I'm going to give it a go.  I'm basically re-routing the money I've been throwing towards payments on the new bed (which is finishing up this month before the interest would have kicked in) towards this activity.

I'm also hoping that having it cleaner will inspire me to keep other things in order.  For example - I'm hoping I'll be less likely to start a pile on the kitchen table or on my dresser because I know someone will be coming to clean so I need to keep that out of the way.  I'm also hoping that not needing to take the time to do the things she will be tending to will then free me up to get on some other things that need done, like cleaning up in the junk room.  There I need to get the clothes Avery has grown out of organized.  I also need to take a good pass on my closet and clear out things for donation.  I have one bag started.  With the end of the year quickly approaching it's time, even if I am likely to not be able to list out my donations on this year's taxes.

Speaking of which the early estimations look good.  If I do get that much back (keep in mind last year I should have gotten a chunk but it was tempered greatly by the house in Jtown) I'll probably adjust things so less is withheld.  It makes me so nervous though after the mess we had the last year I was in NC due to an error on the part of the HR staff at my ex's employer.  Admittedly it's nice to get the chunk to put towards things, but it is illogical to allow them to get a zero percent interest loan.  I'd rather have it earning for me.

Last night I returned to the chiropractor.  My lower back feels a bit better.  I always feel like I'm hunching my head forward.  I really need to stop tensing my neck up like that.  I've been trying to keep myself upright.  I've also been fighting to stop myself from swinging my foot under my leg when I sit at my work desk.  I've got to change and get past the constant low-grade ache.

I took a break today and used the time to ready the area for the Christmas tree and to carry the ornaments and wreaths.  After work I got the wreaths up outside.  It definitely looks nicer with the extras I bought after Christmas last year.  It's kind of crazy that the old house only accommodated 2 and this house really needs the 6 to look complete.

The other night I managed to get the stockings and the ceramic tree out.  As part of that process I put away some decorations that were put off to the side to keep them away from the baby, but other than that all they were doing was collecting dust.  Oh - and I finished the writing portion on the Christmas cards and ordered prints of Avery to stuff in some of them.  I guess I'm not as behind schedule as I could be for Christmas related stuff.  Still plenty of shopping to do and then all of the wrapping (ugh).

I took the melatonin for a few nights and then stopped.  I'm still waking way too early.  I really could use more sleep.  My bed is at least not hurting my back, so three cheers for the adjustable bed.  You'd think if I'm not hurting I wouldn't wake.

To be clear, I'm not hurting over night... but by day, my back aches.  The day after my Monday chiro appointment, while I was sitting on the floor with Avery I had shooting/sharp pain right at the top of my butt crack.  I do have another appointment this Monday, we'll see what he has to say about it.  His adjustments are different than my normal chiro (his wife - who is off with their newborn).

Christmas shopping has begun in earnest.  Time is so short.  I also have been working as time permits on Christmas cards.  I can't help but remember sitting here (TMI warning) writing out cards last year while I pumped after Avery was in bed.  I'm not pumping anymore, but this is once again my post-bed strategy.  Tomorrow we visit with Santa.  THIS I did learn from last year and scheduled before Thanksgiving to avoid the crazy crowds at the mall, although I do fear it will still be rather busy tomorrow.  After this I can figure out what the best photo is and get some prints to put in some of the cards.

My Sunday evenings continue to make me sad because my weekend is over and it's back to the grind again.  Sure, some people put in crazy hours ever week... and that isn't normal for me, so I shouldn't complain, but too bad.  It's hard to work a chunk over my 40 and be Mom.  Hell, just getting my 40 sometimes means I don't pause to eat anything more than a piece of fruit or something I can grab quickly during the day.  Needing to get back on the computer after she goes to bed wipes me out completely and takes my brain to places that makes it too hard to sleep.

I've started taking melatonin before my shower to try and get better sleep.  While that seems to have helped me fall asleep faster, I'm still waking after 5am and then making attempts to fall back asleep.  I think it has also helped stopped me from circling thoughts about work when I do wake.  Either way, I'm not getting enough sleep and here I am at 9pm not able to stay awake to even try and watch the rest of The Walking Dead.

On one hand I want to say "I need help" on the other hand, I don't want to give up the things I do for Avery.  Can someone else do my work?  Maybe taking care of the other things around here?  How about just pointing out that winning lottery ticket for me?

Avery made the time adjustment already, why haven't I?  Unfortunately, now instead of waking up at 6am instead of 7am I am getting up at 5am and unable to fall entirely back to sleep.  I stay in a semi-awake state with thoughts of work floating through my head.  I've had moments of lightening with work, but I'm still stressing.  We're down to a month for our release.

Who could use an evening drink?  This girl.  Except I've been getting back online for work after Avery goes to bed more often than not, which means a drink isn't an option.

Friday was the first day of work where I felt like I could breathe in a while.  I felt productive and like I had a path in my head I was prepared to follow.  I am sure I'll be reporting more stress and dismay in the next month, but this glimmer of hope was quite the relief.

Today Avery and I did more than our share of running.  I'll say more than my share of spending too... damn you Sam's Club.  But at least I left there with a few Christmas gifts purchased.  I had a bit of a panic the other day regarding the need to get that shopping underway.  Admittedly I bought 5 of one item... one for me and then one for my sister, niece, would-be MIL, and would-be SIL.  My creativity isn't high, but I genuinely liked the item and think they find them pleasant too, we'll see.

I've been stressing out a bit regarding the clutter around here too.  I have a pile of clothing I intend to donate on the dresser in my closet and another pile of books on a shelf.  I need a few extra hours in a day to comb through things to round out the piles and get it all inventoried.  I think my anxiety over the stuff was amplified because I had to comb through containers in the basement this week looking for something that I managed to hide from myself.  At least while I did that I tidied a bit down there, but I really should get rid of some stuff.