I've lived what - half of my anticipated life span?  I still haven't figured a ton of stuff out.  The one thing I know for sure is that no matter how much I have changed and grown through the years, I'm still me at the core and there are a lot of people out there who don't like _me_.  Wherever I go - there I am, right?  As the Lost Dog Street Band says - My body's a prison, my mind is a cell - and you can't get away from yourself.

I'm a better person/human being than I was how many years ago.  I know that.  But I still have to put on a mask and not relax or let down my guard completely.  The biggest thing I've gotten zinged on through the years by those closest to me is being negative.  Aren't we supposed to have someone close to us that we can let that stuff out too?  Are we supposed to let it all fester inside?

I carry emotional scars that I try to not allow to reopen, but sometimes they do.  Whether it's the memory of the first person who carved me up when I was younger or the emails that I should probably delete (even though I can remember the words clearly) from my biggest crushing blow.  It's even the people who barely knew me when I was in the depths of that crushing blow but kept their distance because I simply wasn't "well enough" for them.

I guess it's a good time to say thank you again to the people who are always there for me, and to remind myself that I do have people I can truly call friends - that care and don't mind when I'm down, need to complain, or feel like a failure.  I'm reminded too of one of those great friends, Christine, who will be gone for a year already next month, the person who was there - physically - within minutes at all hours when I struggled to heal from the crushing blow.  I miss you friend.

I look at my sweet little girl and she's so happy.  Please Lord, don't allow anyone to reach in and change who she is at the very core with hateful words or actions.  May she always be so sweet and happy.  Don't be like me.