Sunday, September 04, 2011

Despite the ongoing heat this morning I got my rear outside and pulled out the dead/dying plants, leaving behind only what is still blooming in the flower gardens, tossed the emptied tomato and pepper plants, and pulled all of my nearly dried up perennials out of their containers. Yes, I think fall is that imminent. Another weekend, maybe a month or so and I'll be pulling the rest from the flower beds and putting out the shovels. Whee.

I had the joy of catching up with Kath, Mark, and Mikey for Chinese tonight. I looked back in my old posts to see it's been 3 1/2 months since the last time we all got caught up there and let me tell you how long overdue that is. It's so good to be around people that make me forget about what's going on in my mind and to have a smile on my face.

After dinner I came back and decided to go walk in the rain with Saf. She had a bug up her butt and was bouncing around, and walking in the rain has, historically, been very therapeutic, so off we went. 45 minutes later and I had some thoughts filtered out through my mind.

1). It's become clear to me in recent weeks where I feel I went wrong with my ex so many years ago, what led to where things went. I don't like looking those reasons in the face, but I'll own them because I know that I need to keep them close if I want a chance with someone else.

2). With more recent events... there is only two reasons why the things that are being said and done are occurring. Either...

He has not truly experienced love. Sure, they claim to have been in love with someone who broke their heart, but if you know what that level of love and heartache can be, you would never knowingly subject someone else to it. Perhaps they simply do not know better.

I don't know how much water this theory holds. Yes, I think at this stage this person is only capable of loving themselves and their child. I think it's further evidenced by the fact that he would choose actions that look like he cares about a current girlfriend (even though after they started dating he was still hitting on me) and then revert into baiting me again while they remain together. Regardless, I do think on some sick level they loved the person they cheated on a spouse with. How that leaves me thinking that they probably cheated on that person as well is just a little beyond all logic, but it's my gut and I've been learning to trust its instincts.


He hates me. I did something I don't know I did during the course of nearly four years of on and off to bring this hatred upon myself. He feels like he was wronged somewhere along the way and they want to somehow get even for their pain they felt.

If this is the case, all I can say is I truly don't know what I did. From my vantage point I was the one who was chewed up and spit out repeatedly. I wanted nothing more than for him to want me the way I wanted him. When his affection turned away and returned I guess my idiot heart wanted to think that there was a deep draw there, or a realization that I really was a better option than they initially realized.

Did I "strong arm" him, keeping him at a distance (his phrasing)? You bet I did. After the first time I was squashed I didn't want to put my heart back in the vice. I didn't dare press for more as I knew where I stood, even if I couldn't stand up for myself and say I deserved better. I didn't press for more time, to hear their voice on the phone more often, for any expression of affection. Maybe if I had pressed and risk that denial I could have ran the other way long ago, maybe I wouldn't still be so hurt.

It eats at me. I was doing so well since I did force the issue and made him say it would be "best if we didn't speak". That lasted for what... 4 1/2 - 5 months? So why did he decide to rise from the dead to haunt me once again?

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