I moved cubes today, so I can at least have my cell phone with me now during the day if anyone needs to reach me, but I've downsized and gotten lower walls. At least it's dark in that area. A small opportunity came forth, but it isn't enough to keep me completely occupied, which still spells disaster for me. I do really wonder some days what I did to deserve feeling so stuck.

The house work is almost complete. Things look much nicer, but I still sit and worry. Other friends don't appear to have a hard time eliminating the barriers that would hold them back here - they find jobs easily, they have leads on their house (before it's even on the market).

Don't take this topic wrong, I am not in the topical frame of mind by any means, but I was reflecting a bit and pondering just under 8 years ago (as I am probably going to do at this time of year no matter how old I may be). I remember popping all of the sleeping pills in the box out of their foil, the fleeting thought of taking them all while I put all but one into a plastic bag, but moreso I think I just wanted to see if he'd even notice (or care) that a whole empty sheet was in the trash. I don't know how he couldn't have seen it. It hurts to think that he probably wished I would have (if he had seen), it sure would have made his life easier, not that he appears to have had a hard time since... instead picture perfect.

I've tried to get answers from others why I'm not the one they want to be with and get nothing but silence. Someone, please, tell me why I am not the gal someone would want to love and be loved by? I truly feel like I've spent a lifetime pushed aside, even by the one who said he'd love me forever, never good enough. Too fat? Too ugly? I think I have a good personality. I know I'm not stupid. I try to be kind and a good person, supportive and encouraging, honest and not overly reactionary (like most females). What's left? I wish I could turn off the desire to find someone special. I wish I had never learned how good something like that could be.