I've waffled on posting about this, but too bad, I don't care if this post is found.  My blog is where I spill what I need to spill.  I'm nearly heartbroken at the moment and I need the comfort of my blog-friend.  I tripped over my own two feet for a long time friend pretty fast recently and, for some stupid reason (perhaps not having learned from the terrible replies I received from guys after expressing interest in the past) I decided to tell him.  It did at least allow me to sleep (a bit) but it hasn't alleviated the churning in my stomach.  If anything it has made it worse - mostly because I can hear crickets.  I guess that's better than a scathing reply, but I wouldn't expect something cold and rude from this person, that isn't who they seem to be.  (Of course, I don't think guys realize how horrible the silence is too.)

For quite a few years I've had friends who are really great guys, you know - the ones that they were good looking, had good jobs, were kind, sweet, smart, worked hard etc - they were perfect on paper, but I never had _those_ type of feelings for them.  As a few got married you feel the sting.  Not only does it force you to reflect that you have not found the one but you have to remind yourself that you didn't have feelings THAT is why you never tried to snag them up when they were single.

At the same time I say curse those feelings.  I've dated a few guys that were good on paper and learned quickly that I couldn't manufacture feelings.  I've also dated one that I was very drawn to, but it still wasn't the same.  I've been in love before and I want that again.  At the same time to have a knotted stomach and racing heart filled with anxiety at the deafening silence isn't fun.  I've had this three times (counting the present) in my life time.  We all know how the first time turned out.  The second time I was batting out of my league (yes, the one that I am sure will have beautiful, but stupid babies, w/ his gal).

Through the years I have also learned that if you're avoiding dating someone or seeing someone and questioning the relationship by making excuses of why it won't work then you should just leave because, to use a very over used quote "you're just not that into him".  Heaven knows when you get that spark you're willing to toss aside these petty issue.  In this case age differences or distance... and even the fear of loosing a good friend.  The other lesson I have to share is that there are some people that you narrowly miss due to other people and you end up regretting it (ask me about convincing my high school woulda shoulda to take my best friend to the prom).

I guess what I'm saying is with my batting average I will never be a professional at dating or love.  I'm still terrified right now.