So I got a cute soft bear and pretty flowers, a home made dinner... and could have curled up all night, that's sweet right? I should be happy. I really hate the mental scars left behind and how they mess up perfectly wonderful things. So instead of curling up I came home last night and cried for a while and laid forth some very vivid imagery of my complete and utter hatred while I lamented being told days before Valentine's day of intentions. I lied a bit talking w/ a friend the other day... and I feel awful about it because I would wish someone to hell, it's the only way they'd get what I think they deserve. No, not him. I'm a mean and awful person and I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse.

I just want to love someone, and truly feel that they love me... that I am more than a warm body to fill a gap or a loneliness. Maybe that's why I am not happy like I think I should be, I am just the gap filler or filling gaps. The more I care about someone the less they truly care about me or vice versa. I want something real, but half the time I don't know if I am equipped.

Again, the only thing to get past it is to cover it, but with my telephone being completely dead dead dead right now I couldn't even get online and bury myself in school work that is awaiting completion. Gee, burying myself to hide that crap - wonder who I learned that from. I need to run away on vaca so much that I took an extra day off next weekend with no real plans or intentions. I wish I could say that I am going to work in the kitchen or get massive amounts of reorging or cleaning done, but who are we kidding?

Saturday Beff and I headed to toona so Safyre could meet her grammy and we could do some shopping. The retail therapy was nice, but does make you feel guilty. Sunday I was up early with the girls and then wiped back out until mid-afternoon. It's been a bit warmer and most of the snow has melted so we are back to a muddy back yard situation, thus meaning that the girls are wound up a bit because I won't let them run and play.