After pondering in the shower what a past anonymous comment-poster had to say. I'll offer this other insight into myself:

When I allow myself to be somewhat numb to things (not allowing myself to feel passion of any sort - anger, desire, etc) I can appear tame to the rest of the world. I am sure I am not telling anyone anything they didn't know when I say that opening the door to feeling happiness often sneaks in pain and anguish.

Am I better off to just go numb again - or to appear as nothing but negative to the outside world? I am tired of feeling hurt or slighted (not just by those around me but even by my own God) but I keep arguing to a friend who has pondered the desire to shut off feelings "those short bursts of happiness are worth the pain". All I am saying is... the teeter totter needs a fat kid on the other side for a while to renew that hope.