It's cold in Johnstown again. Blah. I guess it could be worse, right? At least I didn't awake to 3 inches of snow.

It's Easter. It's been a few years since I bothered with baskets - not like I need the huge wad of candy sitting around the house.

I wish we could somehow find the enthusiasm we once had for Easter and Christmas - the child-like enthusiasm. Instead, the typical Easter celebration just makes me want to cry. We did have a nice dinner, but just looking around the jammed tables not only was it odd to be at the 'adult' table in my family, but I also realized how not like that part of my family I am. It's funny how just an aunt away makes so much difference. Her kids have kids that are teenagers or older - and the girls are just so darn thin and cute. Hell one was even a hooter's girl. They all seemed so happy. It made me want to yack - and yes I fought back tears of self-loathing a few times during dinner.

No hard feelings to them at all, but again I've realized it's going to be a very long time before holidays are enjoyed. Happiness at the holidays to me means family, but this wasn't the type of family that does it... it's a family I can call my own, even if it doesn't involve children.

I know, I know... I keep waffling between wanting to find Mr. Forever and just seeing what is out there in this great big world. Maybe it's just the fear and the harsh awareness that there isn't much out there around Johnstown.

These thoughts of course also allowed me to ponder further the behaviors of guys who are very nice and gentle by nature who feel the need to put on the face of someone else when they're out in the world. What makes someone who comes from a town with 'Upper' in the name claim they were trailor trash? Why does someone choose to be a smart ass goon in front of people when they're a softspoken gentle creature one-on-one? So do you know the person they are acting to be or the person? Do they have anything in common?