Ah the voices in my head that keep me awake and wander back and forth all day long. Sometimes it's therapeutic to just get them all out... so here goes a conscious stream of thoughts. First and foremost on my mind is cancer. From one beloved who is not doing well in the midst of chemo to another who is currently having tests run to examine something on their brain and to another who is well into a new year of putting breast cancer behind her and even the woman who sat beside me at the Bouly who's mother was awaiting a diagnosis that sounded awfully dismal.

I click through the news stories online each morning and start to wonder what my biggest fear is. Is it still fire like it was when I was a child and even into my twenties? No. I think I spent long enough preparing in my mind that I've laid that fear mostly to rest. Is it cancer? Not even. Earthquakes and other natural disasters rank fairly high, perhaps anything where there is complete lack of control and such ambiguity that one cannot even try to plan.

I have tried to plan for my life in general, and for the most part I am not afraid of what lies ahead. Being laid off once in the past I know how awful that can be, not that I am prepared for or expecting anything of that nature I've survived it once I know I am strong enough to get through that. I've even survived the biggest betrayal I can imagine and came up relatively unscathed (even if it did take five years and some wounds still reopen on a dime). I think the thing that scares me the most is the lack of control we have over our lives despite our best laid plans. Some days I just wish I knew what lie ahead for me so I could truly prepare myself mentally if it isn't what I feel I want.

As I've told several people lately - success depends on the measuring stick you're using. What markers denote success in your book? To me it's the total package - and there are days I'd give up some of the intelligence or education or stability to have some of the pieces of the puzzle that are missing. It's not just finding someone special, because that can be fleeting (be it through divorce, cancer, or a million other things).