Feeling old... I know things happen to people of all ages, but it's been one of those weeks where I have heard of numerous friends and acquaintances going through stuff that tends to happen later.  One lost his son, I don't know the details, but my heart hurts about it.  I would guess the son was 30?  Another had a friggin heart attack, and she's only 2 years older than me.

I've been trying earnestly since returning from vacation to get my act together and get some of this extra weight off.  I want to take the news of my friend's heart issue, no pun intended, to heart - as to further encourage me to make the necessary changes in my life.

15 days until school starts!  I can't believe it's the middle of August.

Before our calendar becomes slaves to school, Avery and I headed out on one more vacation -- and we had a blast.  Once again I went several days early and I am finding this is key for me to relax and slow the world down a bit.  It results in me feeling like I was gone way longer than I was.

Towards the end of July we flew to Orlando and traveled down to Cocoa Beach.  We spent 3 nights at Beachside Suites.  I admit, I chose it because it had a lazy river and I knew Avery would enjoy it.  It was also very close to shopping, good food, and the beach, so it worked out perfectly.  For my own notes - Nolan's Irish Pub was so good, and Guinness with black currant syrup is next level delightful.  On our first night we walked to the beach hoping to see an 11pm SpaceX launch, but it was scrubbed.  By some miracle it actually launched on our final evening, we got to see it -- and it was amazing.  It was a falcon heavy launch, and the reusable side boosters returned to the ground - sonic booms and all.  It was so very cool.

I had initially planned to go to the Kennedy Space Center, but Avery wasn't feeling it, so I didn't spend the money for the tickets or transportation to and from.  We'll do that some other time down the road, I am sure we'll be through Port Canaveral again.

From there we headed to get onboard Mariner of the Seas.for a 6 night cruise.  Avery wasn't quite tall enough for the ship water slides, but with all of the other water activities on this trip she didn't even seem to care.  She spent some time in Adventure Ocean, but not a lot.  Mariner is in great condition for her age and it was a very nice trip.  The entertainment was good, we only saw the ice show 2x this trip.

Our trip took us to a new to me port in the Dominican Republic where we stayed in the port area (much like we did on our previous cruise).  It was really nicely done.  We spent some time at the free pool and lazy river, checking out the made beach areas, and snagging a few souvenirs.  Sure shopping inside the port area was a bit pricier, but we did come home with some DR chocolate and cocoa that is amazing.

Next we went to Labadee (private island in Haiti) which was remains a delightful destination.  We managed to snag a covered swing mat near one of the beaches that we used as our home base for a portion of the day.  We also spent some time at the splash pad.

Finally, we went to Cococay (private island in the Bahamas) which also remains amazing.  I miss the old Cococay too, but I do love what they've done with it.  They've built up a lot with the goal of pumping people to spend money, but you can easily do a free day there and have a blast.  We spent time at the giant pool and even more time at the free water play area (pirate ship, slides, and splash pad).

I'm so grateful for my time with my baby before she heads off to school.  I'm extra grateful that we managed to come back without being sick.  Everyone I know that has been on vacation lately is bringing home a bit of covey.  We front loaded vitamin c, d, and zinc (I also took n-ac) and continued our vitamins though the trip.  There were numerous ppl on the fb page for our sailing that reported coming home sick, so my prep was definitely warranted.

Now that we're home it's paperwork and appointments, gathering a bag of schools supplies, and all those things.  My favorite egg tended to the cat and the garden while I was gone.  He also hung up my birthday present (a ceiling hanging storage rack in the garage) and a few new lights that I've purchased to upgrade from the builder-basic fixtures in my dining room and kitchen area.

Tomatoes were delivered to three neighbors since my last garden report multiple times and I still have several bowls full rotating in the kitchen -- that is of sweet 100s.  I have one roma ready to come off and I've pulled a few small "beefsteaks" that were trying to rot before they even ripened.  I pulled another round of banana peppers and a few small bell-like peppers (these too were trying to rot before growing/changing colors).

I plucked the last two beets this afternoon and need to cook them to do one more batch of pickled eggs.  Maybe I should can more of them.  Still no pumpkins forming and the broccoli plants mock me (I'm so disappointed).  I had harvested one bucket full of potatoes before we left.

Hummingbird!  I just wanted to note that I saw not one, but two hummingbirds this evening.  They haven't been around much this summer that I've seen, but they were quite persistent trying to get to the feeder despite knowing we were all outside (kid, myself, and dogs).  I'll have to keep an eye and ensure it doesn't run out.

The tomatoes... it's happening!  At least with the sweet 100s.  Both yesterday and today I went out at lunch time to harvest fresh tomatoes and basil.  Yesterday I had designs on caprese, but quickly realized I never ran to get my mozz.  I had to make do mixing the basil, tomatoes, and balsamic with the garlic cheese curds I snagged from a local dairy.  They're quite good, but obviously the texture isn't what I was desiring.  Today I cooked up some garlic and tomatoes in butter, then I tossed in the basil right at the end... all to make a nice sauce for my ravioli.  Lunch has been delightful this week.  I also pulled enough basil to dry one cookie tray worth, so the whole house smelled delightful.

Admittedly, I have eaten like a queen (much to my own detriment) this week.  There were cupcakes I couldn't resist earlier in the week (to celebrate moi) and then my favorite egg took us out for dinner yesterday.  I had to indulge in the chocolate cake post meal.

Another item of note from the back yard... I'm not sure if I reported that we had 3 baby robins in a first nest earlier this year.  A few weeks ago Avery spotted an egg on the ground by the playset.  I figured it was a lost cause, but still put it in the nest that was not yet used that was under the deck.  Well, lo and behold... within 2 days additional eggs began to appear!  It was up to a total of 5 eggs.  I was seeing the robin - and then she disappeared much to my sadness.  I haven't seen her, the eggs are sitting.  At some point I will tend to the eggs that remain, but I can't help but hope for a little miracle.

And just like that, it is the middle of July!

The kid is presently enjoying vacation bible school at the church where she attends daycare.  We have another week of vbs next week at the Catholic church.  I can't wait to see how they compare in her view.  She LOVES the one at the presby church.  Talked about last years right up until the day she bounded out the door excited to attend again this year.

We have spent more time at the pool now that the heat has returned in full force.  She is bumping into friends there, which is mixed emotions for me.  When she sees them - *poof*.  It's great to get to watch her play, don't get me wrong.  She had attended a birthday party there a few weeks back.  Seeing her friends do things got her going down the twisty slide into the water and it made her sad that she isn't able to go off of the DIVING BOARD!  She made great progress with her swimming lessons, but needs to progress a little more before she can be in water that she cannot stand in.

The house is a mess.  But I've been keeping up with the lawn and a massive weeding effort.  I also spent an evening tending to the garden plants, tying the tall tomato tendrils to ensure they do not break under the weight of the fruit that is forming like crazy.  We finally pulled our first 3 sweet 100s and probably have another handful in the next 48 hours to pull.  The beefsteak tomatoes are about the size of mandarins.  The roma have a few small ones growing.  I didn't notice fruit on the cosmic grape or the much less progressed hybrids received from the neighbors.  The pepper plants are starting to kick it into gear - there is one fairly large cubanelle along with many smaller sweet banana peppers growing.  The bells aren't as noticeable just yet.  First set of lettuce has gone to seed and the second set stalled out and seems to be struggling.  Basil and mint still kicking butt.  I probably need to harvest the rest of the first batch of beets and the first batch of potatoes.  The carrots - I pulled one that was a nice size, but woody as all get out.  The green onions are getting a bit fatter, which is nice.  The other onion seems to be rotting out - lesson learned to not put carrots (which need lots of water) in the same pot as onions.  I wasn't thinking - just using the open space where other items didn't take.  The broccoli has stalled out too.  The pumpkin plant has a TON of blossoms but nothing wants to form.  I'm told you need the big fat bumble bees to fertilize there... so I decided to stick some fingers in flowers to give it a hand.

Side note:  if manually trying to fertilize blossoms, look for bees first.  Fortunately, I ended up petting one instead of getting stung, but he was not happy about it and came out with an angry buzz.

The mulched area near the garden also experienced "dog vomit mold", which has already started to dry out.  I made further use of the diatomaceous earth, mixing it in water and spraying it onto plants out front that were loaded with asian lady beetles.  I got to see all 4 life cycle stages within seconds of spotting them on the plants.

We have finally gotten to spend some time at town park.  Avery and I got there one day last weekend to swim and returned yesterday afternoon for a few hours after attending some of our town's 100 year celebration for town park.

The weather has turned quite warm again, but we did get some rain so the barrel is full again... I guess that's a nice lead in to the garden updates!

I have had a steady stream of lettuce, but the next batch hasn't taken off just yet.  Many tomatoes are started on the sweet 100s, but nothing turning just yet.  The other types of tomatoes have flowers, but nothing growing just yet.

The peppers are just getting past the blossom stage.  I'm hoping for a good harvest with variety..  My cabbage was starting to get a nice little head, but tonight I spotted a ton of eggs (of some sort) in the first layers and the top layer chewed up.  I scraped many eggs out and need to drop some diatomaceous earth in there to try and prevent its destruction.

The basil and mint is booming.  I pulled my first green onion today for use in a tuna and egg salad.  The pumpkin plants are tossing tendrils every which way.  The first set of potatoes plants are still quite green.  The second set of greens are popping up quite nicely  Last week I had pulled about half of the beets, cooked, and pickled them.  I had started some new seeds in their place and I'm hoping to have another harvest from said seeds.  The smaller ones from the earlier seeding remain.

While we are getting plenty of time in outside and the garden is being tended to, the inside is a train wreck. I think there is 4 loads of laundry sitting upstairs waiting for me to fold right now.

We finally got a few days of rain.  The rain barrel is full again and the grass is growing again (that didn't take long).  Of course this rain rolled in on Sunday afternoon whilst my sister was visiting just as we finished up with a cat rescue event and were supposed to be headed to the town pool. It also dropped our temps enough that the pool is out of the question until that water warms back up again.

While she was in and my other sister came in for a couple of days, we celebrated Avery's pre-k graduation.  I can't believe we're here.  Things are happening too fast!

Now that my sister left, I got down to business this evening.  I trimmed back the growth behind the back fence, stuffing it into the garbage cans.  I weed eated along the fence and edges and scooped poop.  I'm tired.  I'll tell you what - I was ready to kick over a few times while doing this work and it isn't even up in the 90s today.  I really need to get some weight off or I am going to collapse at some point this summer just trying to keep my yard in shape.  Again, I ask how on earth people get so much larger than even I am at this point.

If I used titles on my posts I would call this one "Expectations and Boundaries".

I dug through my old posts - sure enough, I had a post back in September of 2015 (2.0.1.5!!!) that was about the same issues (and rooted around the same individual).  It's clear that I've been putting up with the same bullcaca for a very long time.

I mentioned how my mother had her way of doing things and I hinted about her being very critical.  She was.  It doesn't mean I don't love her to say that, please don't read this wrong.  There were times where I stood up for myself and told her that I was going to walk out and come back in and I expected her to "say something nice"... and not only did she do it, but she then apologized.  My point is, she didn't mean to be mean, she just got a few extra scoops of honest and a double-dose of opinions and wanting things the way she wanted them.  I guess I got the later pretty frigging honest, right?

I find myself once again (dealing with the same person) extremely frustrated and in tears because I simply cannot make them happy.  I spent time while they were not accessible fretting over what they were going to think or dislike about what I did in their absence.  I even ran through scenarios with others trying to come up with things I could aim for in an effort to meet expectations.  Now that they're back and highlighting the gap of what I did and their expectations I'm in tears - DESPITE anticipating this happening.  Let's be real, no matter what I did or didn't do - there would always be something.

Then there is the death by a thousand stings.  Random, seemingly innocent items that are brought up (especially in front of others) that make you feel about 2 feet tall.  They don't like a word you used because "it isn't the standard" (one that they seem to have made up in their own head after you research the term in context) they want or it wasn't "how I would have done it".  It's getting asked for information they could retrieve themselves from the tracking tools you took the time to get rolling and full of the content you knew they would want.  It's being held to a different standard than other folks who are referred to as "doing such a great job".  It's being told conflicting things "you're too expensive to do X" vs "it's just easier if you do it rather than reinforce with another person what needs to be done".

How do you know when boundaries are crossed?  It should have been when you feel like crap after an interaction.  If not there, then it should have been a sign when you aren't sleeping well because you're worried about that persons perception.  It really shouldn't be when you get on a periodic "how are things going" chat with your superior - and it for damn sure should not involve tears.

But here I am.

I hate so much that I have the same tendencies of which I am complaining.  This piece makes me even more sad, because I know I am likely making others feel the same way.

On a related note:  In my personal life, after getting to visit with people I enjoy the company of I have a hard time unwinding at night.  Thoughts that I overstayed my welcome or said something that could have bothered or offended them in some way torture me.  I convince myself then if I don't hear from them for a while that I've done something and/or that they don't like me much.

I look back and remember that Mom took "nerve pills".  I know anxiety and stress have genetic factors.  I see it in me.  I see it in another relative that I love.  I worry when I see Avery reacting to something that she's going to be just like me in that regard - or worse still that I am hurting her feelings.

When she told me last night "Mommy, I want to be just like you." all I could say is how sweet that was, but that I wanted her to "be better than Mommy".  I try to tell her when she does things well or when I notice her doing something kind or thoughtful and I tell her how much I love her and how proud of her I am - but I also know the critical response rears up and exudes itself from my face before I can ever dream of tamping it down way more often than I'd like.

I want to change.  I've tried to do better.  I've prayed and begged to not be that way.

I'm supposed to reach out to the person causing me my current stress and have a conversation.  Who am I to have the expectation that they'll be able to "change" the way they interact with me?  Even if I do deserve better!  It isn't that easy to just be a better version of yourself.

It was a nice long weekend.  There was an afternoon playing with Avery's bestie.  We also made some time to go to one of the local parks w/ Avery's bike in tow and had a nice time playing outside.  I really should have gotten more done than I did, but here we are.  I did do a little in the garden this evening.  A bag of weeds has been removed from the decorative garden.  Two beef steak and one atomic grape tomato plant were moved into pots.  I also put some more potatoes into soil.  I have 3 more tomato plants that aren't quite ready for planting yet (gifted from a neighbor), hopefully they will be ready relatively soon.

This first successes have begun.  We pulled two strawberries from the plants the would-be inlaws brought.  I have pulled some lettuce and beet leaves to make a salad.  Some of the sweet 100 plants also have blooms, which is always exciting.  I think the beets are doing quite well, I can see some growth at the base of the leaves.

I often take to my blog to complain and "get it all out", but there is lots of good stuff too.  Today I have some of those things to chat about.  Let's start with another "I love my town" note - 2023 is the 100th year celebration of our town park.  Town park is where our swimming pool is among other resources.  How are they celebrating?  Not just one weekend of activities, but four of them! That is on top of the summer concert/movie nights they have there on the regular.  Of course we will also have the huge 4th of July celebration here in town.  So many good activities to look forward to this summer.

I had a moment earlier this week, realizing that the pool opens this weekend and I still hadn't purchased our pool passes, so I got that off of the to do list.  Avery and I are ready to enjoy another summer of swimming.

Related to love of "my town" but more specifically where I am, my neighbors!  We continue to play outside in the evenings and weekends.  The driveway is full of bikes and scooters, chalk drawings, giggles and sometimes tears.  My heart is full.  I'm so happy I am somewhere that Avery can have so many friends right at and within a few years of her age.

Better still - I am sure years ago I posted about the gas powered pressure washer and snow blower that I had back in Jingletown.  They haven't worked since I lived there.  Well the one neighbor said "I can take a look".  A $20 parts kit later and the pressure washer is functioning.  How awesome is that?  He also said he'd look at the snow blower later this year.  What an incredible blessing.

Today, after a few minor delays, Viktor (our foster kittie) gets the last shot he needs before he is ready to post as available.  I have been trying to get him to interact with Church -- he is pretty adamant that he's not interested in the dogs.  He is fine in the same room with Church, but Church being who he is, wants to play -- and Viktor is not interested in him getting that close.  Hence we had a bit of swatting.  I'll keep working it - it would be very helpful to Viktor when we can mark that he is down for cat siblings.

Happy Mother's day to all.  This kid is finally in the sweet spot (age wise).  She was so excited to give me the surprise home made items she had for me this morning.  She further warmed my heart by wishing me a happy Mother's day two more times as she was going to bed.  The rest of the wrongs the world spills upon me can melt away.  My baby loves me -- and I love her -- that's all we need.

I got the lawn tended to before the weekend, which was good as I needed time to do some extra cleaning before we had company today.  I wanted to take Avery to the Touch a Truck event yesterday, but rain got in the way.  Fortunately there will be more of those later this summer.

It took me sessions over three days to get the lawn mowed and in order thanks to all of the rain we have had. 3+ hours the first night with the weed eater and mowing the front and sides. Another hour and a half off and on the second night in the back due to the much thicker grass and mower batteries dying. Another 20 minutes for the last few swipes today. Honestly, the front already looks like it could do with another trim, but I am out of "go" for right now.

At least this weekend the weather is giving some summer vibes. Admittedly I took a little break the first night to get a couple of tomato plants transitioned into the big buckets. All were of one variety, the others are trailing behind in size. I should probably re-pot the (bell) peppers too. Still not even a glimmer of hope from the seeding or re-seeding of cubanelles.

I also need to update that our foster cat landed with the name Viktor. He is quite a gentle and sweet boy.

The Dr visit went well. No questions abt bs topics, he was attentive, and most unexpectantly - prompt! I stopped and had the blood drawn for various bloodwork fri morning after embracing the need to take the morning off to get a bunch of stuff done.

I picked up auction items from a place down in wash, hit the big consignment sale, got my new driver's licence, and ran through to get things at Target/Iggle and the like. This gave me enough space that I feel like I can relax a bit this weekend - but I do need to get some cleaning done and pack up the stuff to donate that has been sitting in my way since pre-vaca.