If I used titles on my posts I would call this one "Expectations and Boundaries".

I dug through my old posts - sure enough, I had a post back in September of 2015 (2.0.1.5!!!) that was about the same issues (and rooted around the same individual).  It's clear that I've been putting up with the same bullcaca for a very long time.

I mentioned how my mother had her way of doing things and I hinted about her being very critical.  She was.  It doesn't mean I don't love her to say that, please don't read this wrong.  There were times where I stood up for myself and told her that I was going to walk out and come back in and I expected her to "say something nice"... and not only did she do it, but she then apologized.  My point is, she didn't mean to be mean, she just got a few extra scoops of honest and a double-dose of opinions and wanting things the way she wanted them.  I guess I got the later pretty frigging honest, right?

I find myself once again (dealing with the same person) extremely frustrated and in tears because I simply cannot make them happy.  I spent time while they were not accessible fretting over what they were going to think or dislike about what I did in their absence.  I even ran through scenarios with others trying to come up with things I could aim for in an effort to meet expectations.  Now that they're back and highlighting the gap of what I did and their expectations I'm in tears - DESPITE anticipating this happening.  Let's be real, no matter what I did or didn't do - there would always be something.

Then there is the death by a thousand stings.  Random, seemingly innocent items that are brought up (especially in front of others) that make you feel about 2 feet tall.  They don't like a word you used because "it isn't the standard" (one that they seem to have made up in their own head after you research the term in context) they want or it wasn't "how I would have done it".  It's getting asked for information they could retrieve themselves from the tracking tools you took the time to get rolling and full of the content you knew they would want.  It's being held to a different standard than other folks who are referred to as "doing such a great job".  It's being told conflicting things "you're too expensive to do X" vs "it's just easier if you do it rather than reinforce with another person what needs to be done".

How do you know when boundaries are crossed?  It should have been when you feel like crap after an interaction.  If not there, then it should have been a sign when you aren't sleeping well because you're worried about that persons perception.  It really shouldn't be when you get on a periodic "how are things going" chat with your superior - and it for damn sure should not involve tears.

But here I am.

I hate so much that I have the same tendencies of which I am complaining.  This piece makes me even more sad, because I know I am likely making others feel the same way.

On a related note:  In my personal life, after getting to visit with people I enjoy the company of I have a hard time unwinding at night.  Thoughts that I overstayed my welcome or said something that could have bothered or offended them in some way torture me.  I convince myself then if I don't hear from them for a while that I've done something and/or that they don't like me much.

I look back and remember that Mom took "nerve pills".  I know anxiety and stress have genetic factors.  I see it in me.  I see it in another relative that I love.  I worry when I see Avery reacting to something that she's going to be just like me in that regard - or worse still that I am hurting her feelings.

When she told me last night "Mommy, I want to be just like you." all I could say is how sweet that was, but that I wanted her to "be better than Mommy".  I try to tell her when she does things well or when I notice her doing something kind or thoughtful and I tell her how much I love her and how proud of her I am - but I also know the critical response rears up and exudes itself from my face before I can ever dream of tamping it down way more often than I'd like.

I want to change.  I've tried to do better.  I've prayed and begged to not be that way.

I'm supposed to reach out to the person causing me my current stress and have a conversation.  Who am I to have the expectation that they'll be able to "change" the way they interact with me?  Even if I do deserve better!  It isn't that easy to just be a better version of yourself.