Had my Easter with mom this weekend, since I had a party in Altoona on Saturday night. Needless to say, that slowed me down on things around here. At least I caught the wee bit of decent weather we had the other day to finish up the mulch out front. Vixen stayed home, and I had our pet sitter visit with her several times. At least this way we had a more peaceful visit. Danika and Safyre enjoyed their visit with grammy, but were ready to come home today. I feel bad, Vix was ready to go somewhere when we got back. I guess next visit she gets to go by herself.

Caught up with Mithy on Friday night briefly too and got he caught up on some of this and that. I can't argue with her thoughts about this area making finding a quality date such a challenge, but I can't just box up and haul ass. Even if I did, if I found myself still struggling to find a date, that may cost me the last scrap of my sanity and worth.

Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow? It just puts some things too in my face.

I'm so very grateful it is Friday, even if it will be a busy and mentally tormenting weekend. I do wish I could shut off part of my brain, just for a few hours. Whether I'm outside earlier this evening putting the last of the mulch down and raking some leaves or scooping poop in the back yard the mind is turning. My sanity is, sadly, way too thin, as thin as it was so many years ago. When I sat for my tattoo the other night my legs were jumping and twitching as badly as they were on those long nights when I laid beside my ex sobbing in heartbreak and dizziness spurred by anxiety.

I don't even have the distraction of facebook to play a game on since my frickin account was compromised. I managed to get it locked down this morning as soon as I realized what was going on, but what a pain in the ass. While I appreciate my friends and family letting me know that they got something that out of whack... after the 30th email and 5th telephone call, it gets a bit old. Shame on those friends who didn't recognize it immediately for a phishing scheme.

Anesthesia - Type O Negative
Like a flash of light in an endless night
Life is trapped between two black entities

'Cause when you love someone, Illusion has begun
No way to prepare, Impending despair

Did one say so cruel...
'Tis better to love and lose
Ignorance is bliss
Wish not knew your kiss
So many times been burned
This lesson goes unlearned
Remember desire - only fuels the fire
Liar!

Betwixed birth and death
Every breath regret
I pity the living
Envy for the dead
Emotionally stunned
In defense - I'm numb
I'd rather not care, then to be aware - Be scared

I don't need love
I don't need love

I don't need love
I don't need love

Are a thousand tears, worth a single smile?
When you give an inch, will they take a mile?
Longing for the past, but dreading the future
If not being used, well then you're a user - and a loser

World reknowned failure at both death and life
Given nothingness, purgatory blight
To run and hide, a cowardly procedure
Options exhausted, except for anesthesia
Anesthesia

I don't feel - anything. Anything.
I don't feel anything. Anything.

Be it missing and crying at the loss of someone you so completely loved and planned your world and life around for eight years, wasting nearly four years on someone so completely not interested in you and inconsiderate of your feelings, or knowing and morning the absence in your world that someone's death, whom you only knew from afar, will bring for years to come. Time flies. Has it already been a year?

You are missed by so many. I will continue to keep your words near and dear as they get me through the tough moments that are yet to come, much as they have for the past 15 years. Stay negative.

Peter Thomas Ratajczyk
January 4, 1962 - April 14, 2010

More ink...with some blacklight action. love it.

Once again huMANity has proven itself slimy. It's just so shitty to be hitting on someone one day and then within two weeks have an overnight event with someone that is referred to as a "girlfriend". Congrats on starting off a relationship with a guarantee that it will fail. You will forever be in the midst of a lie. Just do a better job of leaving me out of it, 100%.

Tried the thundershirt again today, as we have lovely weather. Epic fail. The girls ended up in an epic battle in the back yard. I've got a nice welt on my arm from Saffy scratching me in her attempts to get back in there when I picked her up out of the melee. Her ear got boogered again, and Vixen took a bit of a pounding from the both of them, but doesn't appear to be ripped up. *sigh* This evening Vixen is quiet and reclusive, too bad I couldn't accomplish that without the squabble that took place.

Not sure what happened, as it broke loose when I was working at the side of the house. I suspect someone bumped into her as they were all jockeying for position to see me there on the side of the house. So can't win. I wonder if a mild sedation would chill Vix out.

So, yea, I busted some tail today, but did sleep in! Another evening out front and I think all will be done out there. The rest of the leaves are raked up, the bulbs and rose bushes are all in the grounds, the flower seeds are spread, and the mulch has been spread, although I need some additional, but that's the EASY part. I gave up on Home Depot getting the black rubber mulch in and instead picked up red rubber mulch. I even got distracted and cleaned out the floors in the cars, and put in Drake's new mats. All typed out that doesn't seem like much, but if you ask my body it'll tell you how involved it all was.

Several other thoughts hit me after my last post. Normally if it's one thing I'll say "if I remember that by the next time I post, I'll mention it" but when there are a couple... is a double post as cool as a double rainbow?

The Tib: Drake is getting rather spoiled lately. Yesterday around $400, but I not only figured I needed but I wanted new tires on it. At least it's inspected and has fresh oil too. Today, another $40 on frickin floor mats. If this set does not stay I might need to invent a better mat. I've tried several types, the plastic, even the ones that have a little knob that you turn and it attaches to the floor. All of them still manage to slide forward, leaving me to tug them back. If you pull them too far back then it gets caught when the clutch is pushed in. *rage*

Another comment that hit me relates to the plants I have going. Because I wanna be a Law, I too (splitting it with a coworker) have signed up for the Blue Goose Farm (Nicktown) Community Supported Agriculture group. So, I will be getting some locally grown, fresh, fruits and veggies this summer. I have that to look forward to.

On the other side of following the Mrs along like a puppy, the Thundershirt arrived. I tried it that day and it seemed to leave Vixen more agitated than she already was. Not the result I was hoping for, by far. Of course, with it being rainy the past few days I didn't want to put it on her as she'd then be outside getting it all gross, so I didn't give it a second solid shot, yet.

I kind of kept up with the three things today, but a couple of the items on the list were less time and effort consuming. Regardless, they needed accomplished, so they should count, right? It's still chilly and drizzly out, so I sure wasn't outside getting muddy and gross, but I might have to suck it up tomorrow in order to get those things done. If I don't I can see it easily taking another 2 and 1/2 weeks to get back to it. Um, May is no time to START planting things outside.

I'll also note that the stuff that I've started growing inside grows so incredibly slowly. Seriously? How do people manage to do this and ever get anything fruit-bearing???

I'm also rather peeved with my body right now, I am ill prepared to say more right now, but suffice it to say that I really miss being 100% regulated and knowing what is happening when. Meh.

Finally, in order to end on a positive note, I've booked a semi-spur of the moment bitchin vacation. I'll share more details soon, but I can say this - I feel 100% okay canceling Alaska as a result, but since this vacation isn't a cruise, I still have to pick another replacement for the Alaska cruise.

Ok, I sure didn't complete 3 things tonight, but I did complete about 3/4 of one rather big thing on the to do list. I've got a good bit of leaves and crud raked up from the front yard and whacked a good bit of those awful shrubs back by the driveway. There is a nice pile of them waiting for the trash, I suspect they'd make great mulch if ground up, but I never did find one to order that was a decent price and a good amount of umph.

I had wanted to get rubber mulch from Home Depot. Last night they told me they had a truck coming after hours, but a quick call and still all they have is red and brown, not my requisite black. Probably a good thing as I wouldn't have gotten to it tonight. I still have rose bushes, bulbs, and seeds to sow as well as the mulch to spread out front, another couple of bags of brush to gather, and gravel to rake out of the yard.

Oh, and then there is the back yard. Meh. I'm already creaking, so the morning should bring some interesting attempts to move, but at least I'm ready for bed nice and early tonight.

Tuesday I could have simply died. The headache was one of the worst I've ever had, you know - uncontrollable sobbing at work even. Just walking from my cube to a shared workspace in the evil fluorescent lights felt like lasers were burrowing into my brain and made me nauseous, and I do NOT get nausea when I have migraines. Gladly my attempts to beat it back into place worked as the evening went on and I am feeling well today.

Most of my dizziness is gone and the evening nausea hasn't happened the past couple of nights. Almost through the withdrawal torture at least, but I wonder how often I'll suffer massive headache pain.

Tonight I did some running after work, getting some jeans and shorts (long story short, I really really really need to lose weight), finally getting the rubber disks I needed to finish getting the bedroom ceiling fan back together and 100% functional (I attached them too, yay!), getting gas (before the prices go up) and snagging a gift card for iggle points (must go back to home depot tomorrow with the durango, they're getting the mulch I want in tonight), finally finished the local taxes (more on that next), cleaned the bathroom sink, and even cooked myself some fajitas! Can I just cross off three things each night? If I could I'd be caught up in a couple of weeks.

I had originally wanted to get those rose bushes in the ground tonight, but by the time my post work running was done, not only was I a mere hour from sundown, but it was also getting cold quickly. At least I can say I had my car window down for 45 minutes after work and felt good.

Now, about those taxes. So, where I live, for some reason they "forget" to mail me forms every year. So, I go to the website to get them, which are in an Excel file. Ok, you'd think if I enter a value here and a value there it would then calculate for me - it's a spreadsheet! no. So, I, of course, feel compelled to make the spreadsheet do the calcs for me. Fine. Then there is the printing (of course the printer wanted more ink), there is the finding the stubs that need mailed with it (don't need to do that for IRS or PA anymore), there is printing certain sections of my IRS taxes to mail with it, there is writing the envelope, and actually finding a stamp. Archaic archaic archaic.

I also had to write a check, which is extra crappy since the IRS gave me a rather nice check back this year, and I didn't (for the first time in a while) owe PA a penny... but yet I owed local taxes?? Cause the property taxes, school taxes, 3 or 4 little $4 and $5 tax bills you send for stupid head this, privilege that taxes aren't enough?

I also think I might snap and book a (non-cruise) vacation. Fear me.

How am I suppose to keep up with things? I get up, I work, I come home and find something for dinner, tonight a quick trip to the grocery store and then I'm home and pooped by 8:30. I just want to go to sleep, I don't want to work on reading up the house.

I swear, if I ever get the house to a decent shape I will spring for a cleaning service every week to keep it up. But it's that first part that seems daunting, at best. I swear, despite all of the purging I've done in the past year there is still so much taking its place. My ever expanding waist line isn't going to cure itself either, but that's a whole other block of hours that seem elusive.

Snow, several inches of white, f*cking snow.

Too late, frozen, indeed.

Still pissy and grumpy, still feeling like I'm drunk, and feeling nauseous in the evenings. Trying to stop taking my migraine meds is so not a pleasant experience. Sure beats the last time when I had joint pain to the point I had to use my arms to help heave myself up out of a seat.