Who says you need a game system to be a rock star... you can easily waste some time here anyhow, isn't that the point?

Up Beat Keep the rhythm and rock the party!

Play this free game now!!

Get ready for a bunch of random notes to bring you back up to speed...

First, woohoo! With much thanks to Beff for her help the primer is done in the living room. I can't believe how much we went through! We're ready to paint and I think the colors are going to look amazing. I am definitely excited now.

Not to put a hex on things, but there are actually a couple respectable prospects on the website I joined. Probably too good to be true, so no one should be holding their breath for me. But at least it brings my spirits up a bit.

Chiefs played ok last night - exciting enough game, but damn the word of life kids are annoying - it's hard to leave there without a headache every year. Either way they ended up on the downside to Dayton. It was nice to see Cuppett as backup for the Bombers and to say howdy. Picked up my newest jersey at the game - from opening night.

I've been sleeping oddly lately - lots of tossing and turning and dreams. I have a distinct memory of a dream with my father in it last night. For those that don't know, my father passed away just over 20 years ago, but there he was at some family type event and I pointed him out to my mother, who was also able to see him. That's all I remember, but it's nice to know I have a clear enough image of him still in my mind.

A few (obvious) words of wisdom that I find myself needing reminded of...
Now that I've realized I have done nothing wrong and it isn't ME I have to focus on the fact that you cannot save someone from themselves, no matter how badly you may want to. All you can do is pray that they'll get through things and come out on the other side okay.

I doubt the person I am referencing reads this blog, but if they do... I think I understand more than what you think, because my heart aches for you. The holidays can suck when it comes to those that are no longer with us. Watching people you once cared about moving on with their lives in such profound ways can really claw you open. Not having the things in alignment with your life that you idealize as being right (home, bills etc) can make you feel small and insignificant. To think I only know part of the story.

You can avoid me while you do what you have to do for yourself if need be - but please don't punish me for caring more than you think I should.

Threshold reached. I'm done crying. No matter how sad it may make me to have a strong desire to be near someone that pushes me back - It's not any more my fault than it is theirs that I'm ready for a relationship and they are not.

I am one hell of a catch and I know it... I've worked damn hard to get where I am. It's time to get my ass in gear - and to force the issue - I did it, I joined one of those matching websites. Desperate perhaps, but it beats inaction and waiting around for someone that doesn't seem to want to be waited for. I have no hard feelings - hell, if I can still say some part of me loves the ex, how could I have hard feelings because someone went through a shitty series of relationships before I met them that tainted their current view on the world. If anything, I hate their exes for chewing them up and spitting them out.

Bring on the old weirdos. Perhaps somewhere in the haystack I'll find a quality date or two.

Sometimes I get so angry at God. Some of you will think just saying this is blasphemy, but I also point out how often one can be angry at the humans we claim to love. I just want to know why if I am suppose to be single he didn't give me the know how and/or the strength to fix the things that need tended to in my home and in my life in general?

Why am I too weak to loosen the water filters so I can change them out in the hopes of improving the water pressure that has gone to shit in recent weeks? Why am I incapable of laying a nice bead of caulk around a tub to prevent leaks getting to the basement without making a royal mess? Why am I too weak to change the shower head? Why am I emotionally too drained to be a shoulder or an ear to someone else when all I need is a great big man-hug to make me feel better? Why do I get taken by surprise by some things and feel so hurt? Why do I feel shut out from some of my friends lives because I am not part of a couple? Why do I NEED someone if I am not allowed to have them in my life? Much like a compass pointing North, I don't need to see which way the "ring points" to know that those who have captured my heart don't feel the same.

There is nothing more relaxing on a Sunday than knowing you still have one more day off. My weekend thus far has been laid back but still quite accomplished. I bought several more Christmas gifts and a few things that I wanted/needed - including a bright red set from BBW with a supersoft bitchin robe and slippers. Today I even hit the grocery store - so I have the capacity to make food! Is it just me or does everyone else feel compelled to eat a little bit of everything that they buy after a run to the grocery store? Maybe it's just that I'm so excited to have food here.

On top of shopping I also cleaned up the remaining dust in the living room and got it taped off, painted the back of the drywall that sticks through the bathroom to match (first coat), cranked out three loads of laundry, and took a nap. I figure tomorrow I'll give the bathroom the second coat, put the Roomba to work, and try to stay motivated to cross a few other cleaning activities off of the list.

As for all of those other frustrations I was expressing lately, I am feeling content. Some things have been discussed and established - at least things are put into a perspective. It's strange how what seems like two steps backwards seems to be several steps forward.

The Chiefs lost last night, quite a routing from Reading. Blah. Was wondering if we'd have a surprise visitor - but alas no luck. More than one person was looking for you and wondering if you'd show 72.

For a brief shining moment - earlier today I thought it was Friday. Imagine my disappointment! Nothing much to report other than picking out my carpet for the living room this evening. Unfortunately, the earliest they'll be able to install isn't until after Thanksgiving. So I guess I'm without a living room until December. I guess it isn't that far off, really. After realizing things weren't pressing I decided to swing into South Side instead of coming back to get the primer started.

Speaking of December roaring up on me in no time - I did order a few more Christmas gifts today, but I am seriously behind and far from done with my shopping. If you're on my shopping list, give me some ideas!

Movin movin movin... It's not even 8:30 and I'm ready for a shower. I finally cleaned up 90% of the dust left in the kitchen - moving everything and wiping it down completely. Lots of things were deboxed or debagged and the remnants of packaging put at the curb. One bag of undesired dress clothes has been sorted, folded, and bagged for Goodwill. Admittedly, the roomba helped me get my multitask on... damn I love that little red bugger.

So, to toast an evening of long overdue hard work - do I make friends with a bottle of wine or the bottle of peach vodka, that was so lovingly dusted off?

The first flakes started flying today, ugh, snow. At least my sanity is returning. I always marvel at the power of the mind and hormones to twist a very basic issue completely out of whack.

Everything Pittsburgh seemed to be kicking some ass last night from the Pens to the Steelers. Canes did some whoopin too and cranked me up early in the week in my fantasy league once again. Still in third place! But I'm not holding my breath.

One aggregate function working in my pl/sql... now to get a concat working properly on one column. Perhaps the old gal still has a wee bit of l33t in her afterall.

Tonight the living room is getting professionally measured in preparation for carpet. That should put me on a more rigid timeline to finish painting which will hopefully have the living room back in order by Thanksgiving. *fingers crossed* That is, if I can pick carpet by then.

"Breathe deep, breathe long and hard... -The Sisters of Mercy"

Playing mean music and striving towards sanity... just wanted to keep you all abreast. Even if the weather will be shitty tomorrow, I am feeling a bit better. Now if only this damn PL/SQL would compile.

I fully admit I am just not equipped for some emotions and yes, when those emotions get tapped I do go flashing back to old pains, but I swear to you people, it isn't all about him. It's mostly about me and the things I feel like I repeatedly do wrong or things that are wrong with me that lead me back to the same angst and anguish.

Yes, this time of year doesn't help - all it does is remind me of those very same past pains - everything from October to March. Yes, six months out of the year herald awful anniversaries. Without a good distraction the bad is visible and, at times, overwhelming. I know I'm healed well enough to move on, even if the ones I want aren't.

Finally, as happy as I may be for my friends - I am still jealous... and yes, I HATE weddings.

As I feared.
One of many.
Not reciprocated.

Not sure where it all leaves me. I don't want to be in an eternal limbo like some of my friends seem to be... but it isn't like I have viable alternatives beating down the door. I just want what I had once. I want what I see in some of my friends today. I think boys are designed to make us cry.

I told you so normally feels so good. This time I wish I wasn't so fucking right all of the time. This is way worse than the typical "didn't stick" theory proposed through the years and goes straight to "stuck". It is ANOTHER repeating theme and it has me wondering how foolish humans are that they never see or hear what people are telling them, no, no, it could never happen to them. Why? Because we trust people we love to not lie to us which is a major mistake.

Other tidbits leave me wondering if it isn't all a big he-said she-said situation. Yes, I quickly remind myself that even though things cannot be defined at present as love, I too am foolishly trusting a bit too much - even if this being true wouldn't necessarily be a betrayal by definition. I was an only child - I don't share well.